Try The Fish

Tell you what, I had a lot I wanted to write about tonight. Serious intellectual discussion, philosophical debate, all that kind of thing. But I’m actually far too tired. Here’s a joke:

There were these two old boys, Hector and Willie, and I’m sorry to report their minds were both on the way out. Not what they used to be, you know? So one day Hector and Willie are sitting on the park bench when they hear the chime of an ice-cream van.* Hector says “I’ll tell you something, that’s really put me in the mind of an ice cream.” Willie agrees, “aye, I could handle an ice cream myself.” So Hector stands up, “alright, what are you having?” “I’ll just take a large cone,” says Willie, “but let me go with you.” Hector says “don’t be silly, sit there and I’ll be back with two large cones. No sense in both of us going.” Willie says “aye, but I know what you’re like Hector, you’ll forget something.” Hector says “What am I gonna forget? It’s two large cones…” and Willie says “nah, but I’m after a flake though.” “alright,” says Hector, “two large cones and a couple of flakes.” Willie’s still not convinced, “I’ll have to come with you Hector.” Hector says “you will not, I’ll remember.” Willie says “the thing is though, I want sprinkles. I don’t want to confuse you with sprinkles.” “Don’t talk pish,” Hector says, “I’m not about to get confused with sprinkles, now will you let me go?” Willie won’t let him go. “Hector you know very well you’re not up to this, something’s gonna get forgotten.” Hector says “it is not,; two large cones, flakes and sprinkles.” “And strawberry sauce,” says Willie. “Good grief, now he wants strawberry sauce as well?” “Aye I want strawberry sauce, that’s why I’ll have to come with you, cos you’ll forget.” Hector’s getting agitated; “listen, nothing’s getting forgotten alright? Two large cones, flakes, sprinkles, strawberry sauce; I’ve got it.” Willie fixes him with a hard look. “You’ve got it?” “Aye I’ve got it.” “You’re sure you’ve got it?” “Listen, I’ve fucking got it…” So Willie relents; “alright, away you go then…”

Willie sits there waiting. Minutes pass: five, ten. Hector’s not back yet. Willie’s checking his watch, wondering what’s taking his pal. Surely it doesn’t take this long to get a couple of ice creams? Eventually Hector returns and he hands Willie a package wrapped up in newspaper. Willie looks at it for a second a then he says “Hector, what the fuck’s this?” Hector says “what does it look like? It’s a single fish.” Willie’s aghast, he says “single fish? where’s my chips?”





*I had an uncle that went into business with an ice cream van once. It melted...

Thank you very much, I'm here all week...

I Got A Flow Make A B*tch Do A Cartwheel -or- Sound For Language -or- American Slang

Hey it’s good news everyone: I’ve been web-sensed. I don’t know if web-sense is a big thing or whatever, so here’s just a brief explanation: if you happen to work for the council or something like that and you’re reading this on your council-provided internet… well, the point is you won’t be reading this on your council-provided internet, because I swear too much and they won’t let you get on here any more. Either that or the photo I’m displaying was getting all the woman council employees too giddy and flustered and no work was getting done, but I’m pretty sure it’s all the swearing and wank-talk.

Now, you’ve heard the argument that swearing too much makes a person look like an idiot, shows your lack of a decent vocabulary or whatever. This is bullshit, here’s why: language exists the way it does for a reason, and to claim that there’s no need or excuse to use swear words betrays a very deep ignorance of the way it works. Did you ever see that experiment they did with the two pictures, and they told the participants that each picture had a name? They called one Kiki and the other one Bouba and asked people to say which one they thought was which, and something like 95% of people all said the same thing. Go and google it the images or something, see if you get it right. The point here (yes there’s a point) is that the way you speak isn’t just a random collection of sounds, words have a reason to sound the way they do and that’s why swearing exists. Remember ages ago when they did that stupid poll to find the nation’s favourite word? The winner was “serendipity.” Now here’s why that whole idea was bullshit: serendipity is a good word, but it’s only good for it’s purpose; the way it sounds sort of conveys, well not its meaning per sé, but the idea of it, you know? What I’m trying to say is that it’s a good word, but it’s not any better than fuck, for example, because they both exist to serve a certain purpose and they both succeed in doing so. Try it yourself, next time you step on a plug or whatever try yelling “serendipity” at the top of your voice, see how far you get. Ok, that’s all I’ve got about that.

Have you heard that Chiddy Bang track by the way? He’s got the trendy, by-assholes-for-assholes indie band sample, he’s got some very sketchy rhymes, he’s got the novelty gimmick video that he presumably initiated when the standard issue original failed to perform… in short, everything about it says “Luke, you hate this track.” But here’s the thing: I actually think it’s fucking great. Really. Ok, what else? Here’s the thing about sunglasses indoors/at night: this isn’t cool or lame in and of itself, how it works is that it’s about twice as cool or lame as the person doing it. Long story short - if you’re lame to begin with, don’t fucking do it. Also, I saw a guy in a G-Shock watch the other day. G-Shock watches - what happened there? And on a related note, does anyone know where Cilla Black is?

But seriously though, the new Gaslight Anthem record: on the first listen it sounds pretty good. Not the best they’ve ever done, but pretty solid y’know? Definitely worth a listen if you get a chance. It’s not “The Monitor” but it’s ok. And on that note, “The Monitor” by Titus Andronicus is fucking amazing. Listen to it immediately. Alright that’s enough, time for me to go to work and make dinner for assholes. Cheerio.

Hey Everyone! Come And See How Good I Look!

Ok, did anybody see the Leaders’ Debate the other night? I missed it myself but frankly I think there’s not nearly enough half-cocked bullshit political rambling on the internet right now, so it’s time for my two cents…

For all our non-UK readers out there (hi Paco!) the Leaders’ Debates are a stupid bullshit idea that someone decided to import from America to celebrate the General Election we’re about to have here in Britain and to give the leaders of our three main political parties an opportunity to go on TV and do their best John Kennedy impression while managing to look like a satisfied boy, a factory-rejected Ken doll and a lump of granite. And they’re bullshit for this reason: their whole point is to turn the election campaign into some sort of a bizarre popularity contest instead of an intelligent political debate. I don’t understand why so much stock suddenly has to be put into the leaders’ personalities, it’s seems like now we ought to care as much about their favourite colour as we do about their actual policies. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that a General Election is a thing designed to elect a new government, not the Nation’s New Best Pal. Here’s a good example: sidekicks. Have you noticed they all have sidekicks now? Gordon Brown and David Cameron have their wives and Nick Clegg has Vince Cable. Now the easy joke to make here, and it’s already been made ad nauseam, is to be like “what a gaffe by Clegg! Cameron and Brown have pretty wives for sidekicks and he has an old man! Lol!” but think for a moment… What’s happening is that Nick Clegg appears to be saying “vote for me, my right hand man is an astute political mind and arguably one of Britain’s most progressive economic thinkers,” whereas Brown and Cameron are both saying “no vote for me, I have married a stylish woman.” I don’t know about you, but I know which of those arguments makes more sense to me.

The trouble, though, is that they’ve got to have these debates and here’s why: because British politics, and it’s major players, in recent times they've started to look exactly the same; and the reason for this is pretty depressing. The way I see it, it’s as if our main parties don’t care about what they themselves believe anymore, they just want to convince the people that they’re out for their best interests, apparently attempting to follow a madcap “let’s please all of the people all of the time” sort of a policy, and that’s really not what it should be about. There’s been a lot of rhetoric about “broken politics” recently, well I figure if Labour and the Tories still had opposing ideologies then it might actually work, know what I mean? If politicians had any dignity or integrity they’d go ahead and say “forget about what the public want, here’s what I belive, take it or leave it.” That way maybe they’d get into power because they actually wanted to change something, as opposed to wanting to get into power for it’s own sake. By the way am I rambling at the moment? I suppose this is what happens when I try to be smart and don’t write about wanking. If this doesn’t make any sense feel free to stop reading at any time. Umm, back to the matter. Careerist politicians, to make an easy comparison with musical artists (do I do this too much?) are sort of like x-factor hopefuls or something. They’ll literally say or do anything if they think it’s gonna make them popular, which is pretty much the opposite of the integrity and honesty that some of the campaign’s popular soundbites have promised.

I could be wrong, but I think that brings us back to the beginning. I don’t want to vote for the guy that I‘d most like to have a beer with, or the guy that seems most convincing when he’s talking to a TV camera; the dude could have the charisma of JFK or be a one-eyed man o’ rock, if he’s got integrity then I’ll vote for him. So I suppose it’s just a shame Vince Cable isn’t handsome enough to be Prime Minister any more am I right? Ok, that’s enough of this.

Just Go Ahead And Think "Horsies"

I suppose rationality’s sort of a big thing just now. One of those buzzwords or whatever. It’s a pretty strange thing but even he smartest of people, even the staunchest defenders of a rational standpoint can get kind of ridiculous. So, I’ve been away for a little while recently; when I came back I found my bedroom not quite the way I left it. Just little things: some things had been moved and it looked like someone might have slept in my bed. Now it’s possible that while I was away some beautiful woman might have broken in, and while she was in there suddenly succumbed not only to nymphomania but also to agoraphobia and what d’you know? Looks like for the foreseeable future I’m stuck in my bedroom with a beautiful, sex-addicted woman who refuses to leave. Like I said, it’s a possibility but do you know what? It actually wasn’t the first thing that crossed my mind when I realised someone had slept in my room. Cos, y’know, be reasonable…
Now don’t get me wrong here, I know that irrational fears are pretty much an inherent part of the human condition. I’m well aware of that, ask me about snake-men some time. The thing is though, that you’re an idiot if you let your irrationalities take possession over the reasonable part of your mind. Let’s use terrorism as an example. (Yes I know it’s lazy and an easy analogy to make but what can I say? I’m stupid and lazy.) So we’re told that our country, our families and our pets or whatever are constantly at risk from terrorism and that as a result we have to let whatever failed nightclub doormen they have at airport security look at our dicks on the x-ray machine whenever they want to. Acceptance of the frankly ridiculous security rigmarole they have at the airport is a very clear example of irrational fears overtaking our reason. I say fear of terrorism is irrational because, by and large, terrorism doesn’t fucking happen. And don’t think it doesn’t happen on account of dick-viewing airport security men; terrorists can attack whatever the fuck they want. Have you ever been on a train? Or a bus? Or a busy street? All of these things would be pretty easy to blow up if you knew what you were doing, the fact that our cities, as a rule, don’t on the average day look like the set of Die Hard leads me to the fairly rational conclusion that terrorism isn’t really that big a threat. The message here, as I’ve said already, is simply this: be reasonable. Just because something's possible it doesn’t mean you have to assume that it’s actually going to fucking happen. And I understand the problem. I know that we don’t really have a sense of community the way I’m told we used to, that nobody speaks to each other any more and the result is a crippling emotional disconnect that’ll make you feel impotent and powerless and redundant at times, but personally I don’t think that’s an excuse to try to manufacture some sort of drama where there really isn’t any drama at all. So next time you come home to find your bed slept in, don’t go and assume that Zooey Deschanel’s car broke down outside and your flatmate invited her in to sleep in your bed and bone you. It was probably just that your friend came to stay or something. Ok, That’s all I’ve got to say about this.