Faggotry. Rank Faggotry.

Well well well… I know it’s been a while. I don’t think I’m too hot with this whole thing; as far as I know you’re supposed to do it pretty often and all that. Whatever. But don’t think I’m running low on half-baked ideas or outrage, heavens no. I think my trouble is that I get outraged by the strangest things and my problem (it’s a problem for the whole internet actually) is that I find it hard to not be very boring or very offensive. And with that in mind, we’re going to talk about etymology and borderline homophobia. I can’t see any way this could go wrong…

Ok, the word faggot is pretty prevalent nowadays, and so, to a lesser degree, is its hugely superior derivative faggotry. Now, I can tell by your discerning choice in internet bullshit-merchants that you’re a pretty smart person so there’s no need to go into why we don’t need a word that degrades gay men or suggests that random allegations of homosexuality are grounds for offence and not bewilderment BUT…

I think certain elements of our male society have gone a bit wayward, I think they’ve lost their grip (if such a grip they ever had) on what it means to be a man. Now don’t be silly and think I’m about to tell you what that is; I don’t think anyone except Gregory Peck and possibly Chuck Ragan know “what it means to be a man” and far be it from me to try to quantify it, so instead I’m gonna talk about the kind of assholes who are just doing it wrong. Some guys are so misled in their ideas of manliness and of what’s acceptable in today’s (or any society) that they need a word, preferably a very offensive word, to describe them and their actions, a word that can transcend sexuality* and make it clear to these assholes that they need to produce a scrotum and testes quick-snap before we find our society in ruins. I believe that word is faggotry.

We start with guys who take a perverse pleasure in broadcasting their feelings in public. Have you seen facebook? A quick scout around that shitpile finds the following guy-on-girl (I'll type that again: GUY-ON-GIRL) comments (verbatim):

“happy birthday sweetness! Xxx”

“why are you so pretty [Luke‘s friend]?”

“it's because i love you [Luke‘s other friend].”

Ok let’s be reasonable, sometimes girls like to hear this shit, and a lot of the time it’s probably at least some kind of reflection on the guy’s feelings, but I have two problems; guys generally don’t, and definitely shouldn’t talk like this, and you’re talking on a fucking public forum. Have some god-damn dignity and keep it to yourself. Don’t get me wrong here, guys showing their emotions is a good thing, a healthy thing, but when you’re hamming it up for an audience and trying to play the decent guy card? That’s faggotry. Rank faggotry. (On the subject of being a “nice guy” I have a theory on how to sort decent guys from disgusting perverts; if you’re half good-looking ask him what he’d do if he was invisible for a day. If the response doesn’t involve a variation on the phrase “girls’ changing room” you’ve got yourself a pervert. Alright, I know what you’re thinking but you’re wrong. The key thing here is to accept that all straight guys want to have sex with all half good-looking women, and they would all of them, to a man, spend their invisible time engaged in some sort of nefarious, boob-related activity. So the guy that admits it, he’s just being totally straight, totally honest, but the “nice guy” that says he’d, I don’t know, rescue a kitten or something [from, I assume, some bizarre scenario that calls for an invisible man, and only an invisible man…] well he’s lied. Lied to try to get you into bed. So who’s the decent guy now? Ok, enough of that, back to the matter…)

Sportsmen. Aka, rank faggotry. It’s been literally thousands of years since chest-beating was an acceptable way for the human male to attract a mate. We have civilization now, and I realise that some women are still attracted to torsos and thighs and all that, but that’s a fucking evolutionary throwback man. A guy doesn’t need that now. As long as he’s not a total fatass and he’s healthy enough to work a job that’ll pay for some slave-labourer to send food from China or wherever, he’s gonna function alright in society. Ladies, ask yourself this: when was the last time your boyfriend had to protect you from an enraged pterodactyl or hunt-gather food for you? Now try to remember the last time a rugby player engaged you in conversation about, say, the merits and demerits of a paternalistic society, or the ephemerality of the concept of victory, not just in a sporting sense, but also when viewed in the context of a cold, indifferent universe that probably doesn’t even have the ability to care about the dizzying highs and terrifying lows of the entire human experience, let alone Morgan Parra’s opinion of Ireland’s defensive style. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that if you care about sport, you care about the wrong fucking things, and subverting the need for rational self analysis, trying to balance your inadequacies, whatever they may be, with rampant narcissism, unjustifiable arrogance and the fleeting feeling of self worth brought by the abstract concept of “points?” I call that faggotry.

Ok, this is the last thing because I’ve being going too long already. Guys should never dress up to attract girls (and this works the other way too, I’m just coming at it from a man’s perspective.) Doing anything because of someone else’s expectations is always gonna pan out terribly, because it will never seem honest. What’s the difference between Against Me! and Billy X-Factor, whatever his name is? One of them is doing what they’re passionate about, doing it only for themselves, and would likely be doing it if no one told them to, and the other one’s doing what he’s told. And which one’s gonna look like an asshole in twenty years? Ok, I know no girl has ever told you explicitly to straighten your hair, or wear that neon yellow t-shirt, or whatever it is you do but be honest man, would you really be doing it if it wasn’t impressing anyone? Start dressing like a man and stop being such a god-damn faggot.

It seems like what I’m trying to say here is that having a independent mind, and being tough with what you think instead of what you say or do or how you act is really the measure of how manly you are. But what the fuck do I know? Don’t shit your pants over it. Oh, and this should go without saying, but constantly demanding that your woman wash your clothes or make you a sandwich or something doesn’t make you look like a man. It makes you look like a snivelling pathetic faggot. Alright, I’m going to bed, so fuck off.




*I almost forgot, I'm obviously not talking about gays here. It can apply to gays, but certainly not all of them. We're on all of mankind.* Did you know the word poof works like that too? Seriously, look it up...